What happened next?
The next few days all melt together. A panic attack led us to a trip to the Emergency Room.
I could not stop crying and my breathing was rapid. I had never experienced a panic attack before, but I can only describe it as feeling an overwhelming sense of being out of control of my body, a paralyzing fear and a state of desperation like I was quickly running out of heartbeats or breaths to take. I didn’t know what kind of medicine would be the ailment to this condition but I told Andrew and my family that I needed to go to an ER. My nervous system was electrified.
I cried out of fear and pain and sadness but also out of incredible guilt. My parents stayed home with our au pair and the kids, and I know they were well taken care of, but leaving them felt impossibly hard. I don’t even remember kissing them goodbye.
In the car, I puked in a bag as we zoomed towards downtown. I told Andrew to hurry. I opened the window to get air in my face. We eventually stopped at Harborview Medical Center. I was ready to pass out and told Andrew I needed a wheelchair from the exhaustion. I closed my eyes the rest of the journey into the Emergency Room. Andrew said it was one of the most ghetto places he had ever been. Tons of people were waiting to be seen. Many looked homeless and impoverished. I peeked my eyes open and managed to see a man whose foot was mangled and blue, it looked like it needed to be amputated. A woman checked me in by giving me a wristband and checking my blood pressure while I sat in the wheelchair. I felt as if I was going to die. But she casually said I was fine and seemed thoroughly disinterested in my condition. The wait seemed too long.
“Hunnie, fuck this place. I’m getting the car and we are getting out of here.” I didn’t want him to leave my side as he whispered into my ear. “Hunnie this place is a shithole. You’re not going to be seen here, it’s a long wait, we’re going to get you help.” I could hear the fear yet confidence in his voice.
He wheeled me outside and back into the Tesla I went, groggy and foggy and wanting my nightmare to end.
I remember pulling over onto a road near the next hospital and getting out. I laid down on the concrete sidewalk and began to puke. Paramedics in an ambulance parked nearby helped me up and we proceeded into the next Emergency Room. This one was much cleaner and less crowded. We were in the right place. I laid down across three chairs in the lobby, exhausted and hurting. I wasn’t crying anymore but I couldn’t fall asleep either.
A young man’s voice said “I’m here to return to Valhalla and answer God’s call,” to the receptionist. Security guards looked at him and he appreared to not be a threat. He seemed so lost. Just like I was. After having no strength in my body I somehow summoned some energy to stand, walk over to him, and give him a big hug. I would never do this if I was in a normal state. I knew what I was doing but I didn’t care. I just wanted to give him a hug when everyone else thought he was crazy. He wore a face mask but his green eyes were piercing.
To be continued…
